[Love your enemies?]
Dear Donagh,
I never had any real enemies in my life. People I didn't particularly like, yes, but not real enemies. But an in-law – I don’t want to go into the details - has such a talent for causing trouble in the family that I think of her as my first real enemy. I get goose-bumps when I even think about her and the damage she has done. I know that our religion tells us we should love our enemies, but I don’t see for one minute how I could ever do that, after all the pain she has inflicted on people I really care about, including my own mother. How is it possible? I don’t want to give up my religion because of her. How do you love your enemies? Ann
Dear Ann,
Here is a passage I found the other day, by an anonymous ancient Christian writer: “We are to love our enemies – not because our enemies are fit to be loved but because we are not fit to hate.... If you hate your enemies, you have hurt yourself spiritually more than you have hurt them materially. Sometimes you may not harm them at all by hating them; but you surely tear yourself apart. If then you love your enemies, you have spared yourself and them. And if you do them a kindness, you benefit yourself as well.”
It is a remarkable insight: loving or hating our enemies is as much about us as it is about them, and perhaps more so. If we remain focused on them alone, we will see only the evil they have done, and we will keep on reciting the story of it to ourselves forever. But it becomes easier when you change the story to one about yourself: I am not going to harbour hatred, I will not be a container for that poison. You could call it: loving your enemy for your own sake.
It is not the most elevated teaching, but it is a solid foundation. Could you call it love? It’s a foundation for love, and so it is part of love. But even this first step is difficult. Try and see that in-law as a separate person, who has the task of making sense of her own life. Separate her from yourself mentally. Then concentrate on Spring-cleaning your own mind. Become aware of the beaten tracks that your thoughts run in when you think of her. Then decide that she is not the one to control what happens in your mind. If you have control of your own mind, no-one can poison you with their hatred.
But how do you control your mind? It has to come down to meditation, or some similar practice. Sit quietly where there are no outer distractions. Be fully present and alert. Think of your mind as an immense clear sky that contains all creation. Thoughts are like clouds. Angry thoughts are like great black clouds that darken the whole sky and appear to close it down around you. But you are in control of that inner climate: you can blow those black clouds away with a single breath, opening yourself up again to infinity. Once you learn how to do this, the skill will remain with you forever. Resolve to keep your mind clear. Other people’s storm clouds cannot darken your sky unless you allow them to do so – unless you want them to do so. Do this for ten minutes a few times a day. It’s a small investment, but the effects are out of all proportion.
If you keep up this practice you will find after a while that nothing sticks to you – you can move freely through every situation without getting snagged by all sorts of mental briers and brambles. Those snags will seem to you like an utter waste of time and effort. When you experience this you will want it for everyone, even for your enemies – in particular for your in-law. This is forgiveness with no hooks attached, just pure forgiveness. Or you can call it love. Love and forgiveness are fundamentally in the will. They may eventually overflow into your feelings. You have no warm feelings about your in-law at present, but if you wish no evil on her, but only good, you have forgiven her. To reinforce this, pray for her. This is the key to the innermost region of the spirit. It is impossible to hate someone after you have prayed sincerely for them many times, even if just briefly. Prayer can be delusional, self-indulgent, self-pitying… but the test of Christian prayer is whether you can pray for your enemies. In fact, we should pray first for our enemies; then we know we are on the right track.
Don’t worry if you find you still have hard feelings. Remember that forgiveness is in the will, it is not a matter of feelings. We have the authority of Thomas Aquinas for that insight – though, I suppose it was the common view in his time. It means that if you want to forgive someone, you have thereby forgiven them. You have cut the main root, the plant may look the same for a while, but it will soon begin to wither. Feelings take longer. There’s no hurry. They are just clouds. But you can enjoy the clear sky any time you want.
Donagh