[Helping]
Dear Donagh,
…. I don’t want to go into detail but I'm under a lot of pressure looking after my mother in law who’s very frail. She can still move around a bit but that’s nearly worse than being bed ridden. I'm always worried she’ll fall and hurt herself. Shes like this now for nearly three years, and we can't afford to put her in a nursing home. She’s a very nice person and I want to do the best for her, but to tell you the truth I'm worried that I wont be able to keep going. Would it be possible for me to stay a couple of days in your place sometime, I believe its beautiful. It wouldn’t be like attending a retreat, but just a chance to rest…. Thanks very much. Anne
Dear Anne,
You are most welcome to spend time here. That's why we exist: to provide conditions where people can find themselves again. We’ll post you the details. But why ‘sometime’, why not now? If you can arrange for someone to relieve you, why not arrange it straight away?
I know people who always put their own needs last. It sounds like the right thing to do on every occasion. It is supported by no less a figure than St Paul: “Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others” (Phil 2:3-4). "No one should seek their own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor 10:24). This has been impressed on us all our lives, and the most inspiring people we know live in this way.
But he was talking about the whole arc of one’s life, not about each particular moment. While this kind of unselfishness is an essential aspect of the Christian life, there are times when your first concern should be yourself. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the flight attendant tells, put on your own oxygen mask first. Does this mean that you don’t care what happens to your children, or to the other passengers? No, clearly not. The point is that you will be of no help to others if you lose consciousness. You won't be able to help your children to put on theirs if you haven't put on your own oxygen mask first. In that situation, the only way to help others is to help yourself first.
That isn't the only occasion when you have to give attention to yourself first. If you never give attention to your own needs, but always to other people’s needs, what version of yourself are you bringing to them? A weak and weary-footed version, surely. No, for their sake (as well as for your own) you need to recover yourself. Don’t put it off. For your mother-in-law’s sake, as well as for your own, take care of yourself. Love isn't a competition of interests; it’s a communion of interests.
If you can find a substitute ‘sometime’, you can find one now. If all your friends and family are too busy, employ a carer for a week. At the end of the week, plan from there. Because you are in the habit of thinking always unselfishly, it may seem to you now that you are giving in to a selfish impulse, but remember the wisdom of the seanfhocal: Ní hionann moill agus an scian a ghéarú: “It’s no delay to stop and sharpen the tool.”
Courage, Anne. And we’ll see you soon.
Donagh