[Secrets]
Dear Fr Donagh,
…. My neighbour said she wrote to you last year and it helped her. She gave me your address. She said I looked a bit down in myself. I'm secretive about myself and about my original family. There were reasons for that, but I think I carried it too far. I'd love to be able to tell my grandchildren about the times when I was their age, but you know how children ask questions. My wife knew my whole story but she never breathed a word about it to anyone, not even to our son. She passed away three years ago. Now no one really knows me. I feel like I'm alone in the world. I spend a lot of time reading, but that only passes the time, it doesn’t being me peace of mind. I have good neighbours and a couple of good friends. I should be alright, but I don’t feel alright…. I don’t know if I've tole you enough to be able to help me…. [Jerry]
Dear Jerry,
Of course you haven’t told me enough: you haven’t told me your secret! I wasn’t expecting that you would do so in a letter. But you have broached the subject, and that is no small thing.
If you have been sitting on this secret all your life, it must seem as big as the world by now. That's what happens to secrets. Think of this. It’s quite possible that hearing your story won’t be at all as traumatic for your friend as revealing it will be for you. You could even say: it’s quite probable. The world has become more shock-proof: what may have shocked the neighbours fifty years ago is much less likely to do so now. And think of the sympathy they will have for you when they realise you have been carrying this load on your back for your whole life. Unless it would have a much too complicating effect – legal, or such - on your present life, I encourage you to tell your story to one of your friends, or to your son – whichever would be easier for you. Since I don’t know what kind of secret it is, I can't say more.
So I’ll throw out a few general thoughts, as background.
The instinct to hide goes back a long way – even back to Adam and Eve! When they realised they had made a big mistake they were ashamed, and their instinct was to go into hiding. “Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called, ‘Adam, where are you’” (Genesis 3:9). Think of God saying that to you, and not only God but all your friends: Jerry, where are you?
Secrecy protected you for a time, but gradually it became a prison. Hiding your secret, year after year, you were confining yourself in an invisible prison. On the outside, you look like a free man, but you have sacrificed your freedom. “The truth will set you free,” Jesus said (John 8:31). “If the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:36). Do you not believe that there is something out here called ‘Mercy’?
You need to have some mercy on yourself. You have worn a mask for so long that when you take it off, yes it will feel as if you were removing some of your own skin. But think of it this way: it will be a homecoming. it may be a painful re-entry, but you will feel closer to your son and to your friends, you will no longer have any reason to hide. Do this, Jerry, while you can still remember which face is your true one. Don’t let fear shape the rest of your life. “Don’t be afraid!” Jesus said repeatedly: I once counted close to twenty passages where he said those words.
Don’t stop with this letter, Jerry. Keep going, and if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.
Donagh